Living with Narcissistic, Mental & Emotional Abuse
My Story
When I was growing up, I lived with my mum and stepdad. My stepdad struggled with alcoholism, and his moods changed quickly. He often had violent outbursts, argued, and put people down. His addiction made him crave attention, and he rarely cared about others. He depended on my mum for everything and acted as if no one else mattered.
The constant arguments and sudden outbursts made our home feel unsafe. We never knew when his mood would change. Living in fear and feeling powerless was especially hard during my teenage years.
We never got to speak up. To him, we were always wrong and never good enough. My mum spent her life focused on him, dealing with all the ups and downs, and always worrying if we’d have enough money.
You learned to stay out of sight and keep quiet, just to avoid making him angry.
Our lives revolved around him and his drinking. Every choice we made put his needs first, and his actions controlled our daily lives, when we ate, what we did on weekends, where we went on holiday, and how much money we had.
I remember coming home from school, never knowing what to expect. Holidays like Christmas were often ruined by arguments caused by drinking. In my memoir Sacrificial Girl, I share the events, secrets, and lies that shaped me, and how I eventually found the strength to heal.
Years of mental abuse can change you, making you adapt just to survive.
The pain from these experiences doesn’t end when the abuse stops. The effects can last for years, and the invisible scars and daily struggles are constant reminders.
As I started to heal, I saw how much the sexual and mental abuse had affected me. Many of the ways I coped as a child stayed with me into adulthood, even when they no longer helped. Facing those old feelings helped me understand myself better and begin changing the beliefs and habits that hurt me.
I still try to stay organised and in control. It often feels like I’m always waiting for something bad to happen, so I need to be ready. That feeling never really goes away. I keep busy to feel prepared, but then I just find more things to do. It’s exhausting. This comes from always trying to hold things together as a child, never knowing when things might fall apart.
We keep living the way we were taught until we decide to change. Some habits, especially emotional and psychological ones, can last a lifetime. The sooner we notice them and understand where they come from, the easier they are to manage.
As kids, we learn how to cope and connect with others, usually from our family or carers. The people around us shape how we form relationships.
I grieve for the life I lived but didn’t really feel. It was like reading about it or watching it on TV. I was just observing, not living. When people asked how I felt at certain places or events, I’d just say, “Nice.” Everything felt the same, good or bad. I was numb.
Our emotional development starts very early, and mine was hurt when I was young. I was always too scared to feel happy or joyful, as if I’d be punished for it. I learned to stay silent, not make a sound, not be noticed, and to become invisible.
Growing Up in Control, Chaos and Silence and Reclaiming Your Voice
Abuse isn’t always physical. Sometimes it’s psychological. Sometimes it’s subtle. It can hide behind charm, control that looks like care, or moods that change without warning.
My stepfather’s addiction set the mood in our house. His moods changed without warning. Jobs were lost. Money disappeared. Arguments broke out. We never knew which version of him would come home.
When you grow up in that environment, your body never really relaxes.
You learn to scan for danger, to predict, to prepare, and to stay small.
Living in an Atmosphere of Unpredictability
Children in alcoholic or narcissistic households often learn:
To stay out of sight
To suppress opinions
To avoid triggering conflict
To anticipate danger
To prioritise the abuser’s emotional state
That constant message shapes your identity.
Who This Page Is For
This page is for adults who have experienced emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, coercive control, or growing up in a home affected by alcoholism. It is for those who live with self-doubt, anxiety, people-pleasing, emotional numbness, or difficulty trusting themselves or others. It is also for anyone who is beginning to question patterns in their relationships and wants to understand how early experiences may still be shaping their thoughts, behaviours, and self-worth.
Important Note
This page is written from lived experience and informed by trauma-aware coaching training. It is designed to offer reflection, practical insight, and supportive guidance.
It is not medical, legal, or therapeutic advice and should not replace support from a qualified healthcare professional, therapist, or specialist.
If you are in immediate crisis, experiencing overwhelming distress, or feel unsafe, please contact a qualified mental health professional or emergency service. You can find details in the Professional & Crisis Support section opposite.
This content offers lived insight and trauma-informed perspective, but it is not a substitute for personalised clinical care.
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Narcissistic abuse is rarely obvious at first.
It may involve:
Gaslighting - making you question your memory or reality
Blame shifting - everything becomes your fault.
Silent treatment - affection withdrawn as punishment
Triangulation - bringing others into conflict to destabilise you
Control over time, money, appearance or relationships
Devaluation - subtle criticism that chips away at confidence
Love bombing followed by withdrawal
The abuse may not involve physical violence, but the psychological impact is real. Emotional abuse isn’t “less serious” just because it leaves no visible bruises. It changes your nervous system and your sense of self.
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When you grow up in an unpredictable environment, your body adapts.
You may develop:
Hypervigilance
Chronic anxiety
Emotional numbness
Perfectionism
Over-responsibility
A constant sense that something bad is about to happen
I still notice this in myself. I stay organised, prepare, overwork, and keep busy. It often feels like I must always be ready for the next crisis. That pattern didn’t just happen by chance.
It started in childhood, when I tried to hold everything together, never knowing when things might fall apart. This is how trauma takes root.
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Growing up with both sexual abuse and emotional instability made things even harder. I learned to become invisible.
Emotional development starts early in life. When fear and instability interrupt it, you may disconnect from joy. Happiness can feel unsafe, as if it will be punished or taken away.
So you hide it. You silence yourself. You shrink.
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The impact doesn’t end when you leave that environment.
Long-term effects can include:
Chronic self-doubt
Difficulty trusting your own thoughts
Fear of conflict
People-pleasing
Difficulty setting boundaries
Perfectionism
Emotional numbness
Overachievement as a survival strategy
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
Attracting similar dynamics in adult relationships
Many survivors don’t realise they were abused because the abuse became normal.
Confusion, doubt, and exhaustion are all symptoms.
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Self-esteem begins developing from birth.
Babies don’t judge themselves as good or bad. But children quickly learn their worth from the emotional environment around them. If you grow up being told you’re wrong, dramatic, too sensitive, selfish, or never good enough, you start to believe it.
Rebuilding self-worth was one of the first things I worked on in my own healing. It’s the foundation.
Without self-worth:
Boundaries feel selfish
Needs feel shameful
Success feels unsafe
Joy feels undeserved
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t just about understanding the abuser.
It’s about rebuilding yourself.
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When I became a mother at nineteen, something changed. I knew I couldn’t pass these patterns to my children. I left the area where I grew up, built a career, became financially independent, and worked hard to change my beliefs.
I realised:
“You are what you learn until you learn not to be.”
That idea is especially true for emotional abuse. You keep living what you were taught until you choose to change it.
Healing required:
Recognising survival behaviours
Questioning inherited beliefs
Building self-compassion
Developing boundaries
Learning to feel emotions safely
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One of the most damaging elements of narcissistic abuse is the erosion of self-trust. Gaslighting teaches you to doubt your own perception.
You may begin to question:
Did that really happen?
Am I overreacting?
Am I too sensitive?
Is this my fault?
Rebuilding self-trust requires:
Honouring your emotions
Listening to your intuition
Validating your memory
Keeping small promises to yourself
Learning to differentiate fear from intuition
Self-trust means quietly knowing you can rely on yourself.
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Narcissistic and emotional abuse often use your empathy against you. You are made to feel responsible for everything.
Guilt says: “I did something wrong.”
Shame says: “There is something wrong with me.”
Long after the abuse ends, those voices remain.
Part of healing is asking:
Whose voice is this? Is this belief truly mine?
You weren’t too sensitive. You were being manipulated. You weren’t weak. You were surviving.
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Many survivors struggle with boundaries.
You may fear:
Being labelled selfish
Causing conflict
Being abandoned
But boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re protection.
They sound like:
“That doesn’t work for me.” “I’m not available for that.” “I need space.” “No.”
Learning to set boundaries calmly and consistently is one of the most important parts of healing.
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You may notice that certain tones of voice, facial expressions, or conflict situations trigger disproportionate reactions. That is your nervous system recalling past danger.
Signs include:
Sudden panic
Emotional overwhelm
Shutdown or dissociation
Urge to over-explain
People-pleasing reflex
Healing isn’t about getting rid of triggers. It’s about noticing them and responding in new ways.
Grounding techniques can help:
Breathing exercises
Cold water
Naming five things you can see
Reminding yourself: “I am safe now.”
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After narcissistic abuse, you may fear trusting again.
But healing involves learning to recognise:
Red Flags:
Inconsistency
Blame shifting
Minimising your feelings
Controlling behaviour
Green Flags:
Accountability
Respect for boundaries
Emotional safety
Consistent behaviour
Encouragement of independence
You don’t have to let everyone in, only those who feel like peace, not panic.
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Survival mode can hide your joy. Reclaiming joy might feel strange at first, but creativity, play, and self-expression are powerful ways to heal.
You are allowed to:
Laugh
Create
Rest
Dream
Experience pleasure without guilt
Joy isn’t indulgence. It’s healing.
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1. What is narcissistic and emotional abuse?
Narcissistic and emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour in which one person consistently uses tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, control, verbal degradation, and withdrawal of affection to dominate another. It often leaves no physical scars but causes deep emotional harm and confusion.
2. What are the signs I’ve experienced emotional abuse?
People affected by emotional abuse often experience:
Persistent self-doubt or confusion
Low self-esteem or self-worth
People-pleasing tendencies
Difficulty setting boundaries
Anxiety or hypervigilance
Emotional numbness
Fear of conflict
Feeling “on edge” or constantly anticipating danger
These behaviours can be lingering effects of survival strategies developed in response to abuse.
3. Is emotional abuse the same as narcissistic abuse?
Not always, but they often overlap. Emotional abuse involves psychological harm without physical violence, whereas narcissistic abuse specifically refers to abuse by someone with narcissistic traits, such as a need for control, lack of empathy, and cycles of idealising and devaluing. Both can deeply affect self-worth and relationships.
4. Can childhood emotional abuse affect adult relationships?
Yes, early experiences of emotional abuse shape attachment, trust, boundaries, self-protection, and emotional regulation. Many survivors find it hard to trust, fear vulnerability, avoid intimacy, or unconsciously attract similar dynamics in adult relationships. Healing helps you recognise and change those patterns.
5. Is healing possible after emotional and narcissistic abuse?
Yes, healing is possible. It involves creating safety in your own nervous system, rebuilding self-trust, developing emotional awareness, learning boundaries, and reauthoring your core beliefs. Healing is not linear, but with awareness and support, it is achievable.
6. What practical steps help healing?
Some useful practices include:
Trauma-informed journalling
Emotional regulation techniques
Self-awareness and reflection
Boundary skills
Self-compassion work
Understanding triggers
Reclaiming identity beyond survival
These steps are explored in resources like workbooks and guided tools.
7. Do I need therapy to heal?
Not always. Many people find structured self-reflection, support groups, and trauma-informed courses helpful. But if you are experiencing overwhelming distress, persistent suicidal thoughts, or complex trauma symptoms, professional therapy or clinical support is recommended.
8. How do I tell if a relationship is emotionally abusive?
Common red flags include:
Frequent blame or denial of responsibility
Persistent criticism or minimising your feelings
Verbal hostility disguised as “jokes”
Withholding affection as punishment
Gaslighting (making you doubt your perception)
Control over decisions or isolation from others
If you feel unsafe, confused, or diminished in your relationships, that is worth exploring further with support.
9. What do I do if I recognise these patterns in myself?
First, you are not alone. Awareness is the first step. Begin by identifying habits and beliefs that no longer serve you. Tools such as self-reflection journals, emotional awareness worksheets, and trauma-informed courses can help. If a situation feels overwhelming, reach out to a professional or support organisation.
10. Are there immediate crisis resources?
Yes, see the section below for professional & crisis support.
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Immediate Crisis Support
Emergency Services – UK
If you are in immediate danger or at risk of harm, call 999.
NHS 111 (Mental Health Option)
For urgent mental health concerns — dial 111 and follow the mental health option.
Alcoholism / Addiction Support (UK)
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
A fellowship offering support for individuals who want to stop drinking.
📞 Find meetings and resources at: https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk
Drinkline (National Helpline)
Free, confidential telephone support on alcohol use and concerns.
☎️ 0300 123 1110
Website: https://www.alcoholchange.org.uk/act-drive-change/help-advice/support-and-services/drinkline
Alcohol Change UK
Comprehensive resources on alcohol reduction, treatment, support services, and links to local help.
https://www.alcoholchange.org.uk
SMART Recovery UK
Self-Managed Addiction Recovery Training — evidence-based mutual support.
Narcissistic & Emotional Abuse / Abuse-related Support
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (England & Wales)
24/7 support for anyone experiencing domestic abuse, including emotional and coercive control.
☎️ 0808 2000 247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
Rape Crisis England & Wales
Emotional and practical support for survivors of sexual violence, including psychological impact.
☎️ 0808 500 2222
The Survivors Trust
Umbrella body for specialised sexual violence support agencies. Find local support:
https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org
Victim Support
Confidential help for people affected by crime, including psychological, emotional and practical support.
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk
Support for male survivors and partners affected by abusive behaviours (including coercive control).
https://respectphoneline.org.uk
Emotional Distress & Crisis Support (General)
Samaritans
24/7 confidential support for distress, despair, or suicidal thoughts.
☎️ 116 123 (UK & ROI)
SHOUT
Free 24/7 mental health text support in the UK.
Text SHOUT to 85258
Child-Centric Support (If the Reader Is Under 18)
Childline
Free, confidential support for under-18s.
☎️ 0800 1111
NSPCC (Child Protection)
Advice and help for children affected by abuse or neglect.
☎️ 0808 800 5000
Emotional & Narcissistic Abuse Support: Signs, Impact & Recovery
Final Words
Growing up in emotional chaos changes you. But it doesn’t decide your future.
I have lived through sexual abuse, emotional abuse, addiction, attempted rape at knifepoint, stillbirth, anorexia within my family, cancer, and surgical menopause.
Still, I built a life of strength, career success, love, and purpose.
Healing is possible.
You are not too sensitive. You are not broken. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become.
“If this page spoke to you, I’d love to hear from you. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Whether you have a question, want to share your own experience, or simply need to feel heard, you’re welcome to get in touch. Contact Me
Continue Reading: Related Articles
If you’d like to explore specific aspects of healing in more depth, I’ve written blog posts that expand on various healing topics and, in particular, Trusting Again after Narcissistic & Emotional Abuse.
Read rebuilding trust blog Read Emotional Healing - Reconnecting with yourself Read Healing Blogs Read Re-Building your Self-Worth Read Shame & Guilt
Practical Tools to Support Your Healing
If you’re ready to move beyond understanding and begin actively healing, I’ve created trauma-informed workbooks and guided journals to help you start or continue your healing journey. Available in both digital and physical copies.
Emotional Healing Workbook & Journal
For more in-depth, structured learning, explore my growing range of trauma-informed courses designed to support long-term healing and self-development.